Tasteless Strains

One thing is for certain, cannabis culture loves its strains.  From the heirloom and landrace strains like Acapulco Gold and Afghani through to staples in today’s legal market like Blue Dream and Green Crack, cannabis culture produces new strains every day.  Like a baseball fan discussing decades of player statistics, the extreme cannabis enthusiasts can explain in detail the complicated and sometimes mind boggling lineage and genetics that make up your favorite strain; and usually the only ones who argue with these enthusiasts, are other enthusiasts.  Ask 10 master growers a question and you will receive 11 correct answers.  But let’s not go making fun of all the self-proclaimed experts just yet, this is not an easy thing to keep straight. Take a look at the picture below showing the lineage that makes up the strain Emerald City, crazy, right?



Cannabis growers are always searching for the next best strain, the perfect hybrid.  These strains are named by breeders, geneticists, home gardeners and now marketers for legal cannabis businesses.  The names have always varied from clever, to creative, to funny, to downright stupid.  They will sometimes have a geographic tag like 707 Headband (707 is the area code in California it was developed in) or a nod to the breeder like DJ Short’s Blueberry.  Often there is a semantic trail to follow, parts and pieces of parentage-strains dropped like breadcrumbs leading you down a relativist path of free association like White Fire Alien, Critical Banana Headband and all the strains ending with Wreck.

Now that we have legal cannabis we also must consider the effects of marketing, patenting and trademarking of a number of strains crowding the shelves at your local shop.  Think of how many strains, with only the slightest variance from a predecessor, can be claimed, named and made proprietary by a cannabis business.  I am certain that over time certain benchmark strains will remain to become the hooks on which all varieties will be hung (like Chardoney and Malbec), but in the meantime, get ready for a lot more crazy and ridiculous strains to show up, even if only once.

Lemonhaze.com decided to dive into the sea of over 10,000 strains available in the market.  As we have combed over these names some have stood out.  Not for their charm, appeal or creativity but rather the “WTF were you thinking?!” reaction we had at the office.  Below is a short list of strain names that we find particularly abhorrent, and we urge those growing them to strongly consider name changes:

6. Donkey Dick- not the worst, I suppose. Kind of tickles the seventh-grade humorist in all of us and begs to be said aloud in the best douche-bag accent you can muster. As a mid-thirties adult, however, I feel like even if this strain were amazing, the credibility in saying so is diminished by its tag.

5. Cheesy Dick– Ok, I know this is a cross between a cheese strain and Moby Dick, but couldn’t you have come up with a better combo? Well maybe it’s my fault, maybe I am the twisted one. Maybe this name was meant to conjure up images of a bad joke-teller named Richard. Maybe, but is that what you want us thinking about when we smoke your baby, your perfect strain?  Hmm, I want to relax, what’s a good Indica?  “I know, I’ll smoke some Cheesy Dick!”  Thank God, they didn’t call it Dick Cheese.

4. Dog Shit– Well if that’s what you think of it, why should I try it?

3. Cat Piss– See above!

2. Frog Fart- Yup, you read correctly, Frog fart. I am gpoison_fart_frog_by_kryptidoing to let that one sink in for a second. Sounds like something you would exclaim: I want to inhale some Frog Fart! No further explanation needed.

1. Green River Killer– This is a rare and proprietary strain. It just sits wrong.  I understand the marketing shock value and everything, but is it necessary?

Stay tuned for further ridiculous, tasteless and crass strain names as we discover them.

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